---

I need to just put this down and move on.

I have been obsessing over an accident that Jay had last year and it is time to move on.

A year ago today, Jay was discharged from the hopsital after nearly drowning in Jane's pool. A year ago today, I realized we had a second chance with our little red-headed angel. A year ago today, I realized that you cannot take things for granted.

We were at Jane's house to swim. Five had a friend over for the day to swim and Jane had two extra temporary foster kids, so things were totally out of rythmn. Five was in the shallow end with Robert Wade, Ashley (Jane's foster child) was in the pool and we were getting the little kids ready. Anita and Lerisa (the temps) were dying to get in the water, so we put Anita in a swim sweater like Jay's. Jay wanted to wear it, but we told him his was outside and we would get it. I was busy dressing Sam in a swim diaper and lost track of what Jay was doing. Anna was half in and half out of the house--we thought she was watching Jay. She had no idea what was going on. Then she asked us, "What is Jay doing in the pool with Ashley?" I was livid. Ashley, although 14, was metally challenged and had never gotten Jay into the pool. He was afraid to death of the water, so I knew he wouldn't jump in alone. When I got out there, Ashley was holding him up out of the water with his back to me. I was yelling, I am sure, asking why he was in the water when she turned him around.

His face was blue.

His lips were blue. His skin was as white as anything I had ever seen. All these blue veins were snaking across his body. And his eye--he had this blank stare sort of angeld up, obviously not seeing. Obviously dead.

I grabbed him from Ashley. I have no idea what I said to her. I know I was screaming at the kids to get out of the water. Shrieking as I grabbed him from her and realized I had no idea what to do. My mind was totally blank. I panicked and turned him around and tried the Heimlich which didn't work, of course. I turned him upside down and smacked him on the back, just praying for him to breathe. He was stiff as he coul be. His little body would not bend. I am pretty sure I smacked his head on the concrete--at some point he got a rather large scrape and knot on his head--could have been from falling into the pool. Jane, meanwhile, had been online, so her phone wasn't free. She was in the house grabbing her cell phone to call 911. She heard me screaming and saw what was going on even before I told her. Her voice told me it was just as bad as I thought it was.

It seemed like an eternity before she got a human on the other line. By this point, I was frantic. He still wasn't breathing. The 911 person was telling her to tell me to do CPR as I resorted to it out of desperation. His jaw was clenched so tightly that I couldn't get his mouth open. His eyes were still open, but he wasn't seeing a thing. I began breathing over his nose and mouth. It took one or two breaths and finally he moved. He gagged and then began to throw up. He choked as he did, so I picked him up a bit--he finally cried. Color began to come back to his face and he took on a strange, disoriented look on his face. Vomit was everywhere--an odd yellowish color. It seemed like gallons. He looked at me with a pitiful look on his face. He was totally unaware of where he was or what was happening and I grabbed him up into my lap. By this point, the ambulance was on its way--since she was using a cell phone, Jane had to give her address and details that seemed to drag it out forever. We told them he was breathing on his own.

I began taking him to the front yard to wait when he stiffened again. His lips were suddenly blue again and his eyes began to roll back. I tilted him over again and he began to throw up again. Tons of pool water came gushing out again. Then he simply looked at me and collapsed against me as I ran to the front yard with him and just collapsed on the driveway with him.

A wonderful police officer arrived first. I wish I had gotten his name. He jumped out of the car and came to us as Jay began to throw up again. He ran back to the car to get paper towels and help me wipe his poor face. I was babbling on incoherently--I have no clue what I was saying. The ambulance was still not there....it was close to 8 minutes after the call before they arrived. I think the officer radioed and let them know he seemed okay. Jay was already wheezing a bit when they arrived. The look on their face told me that they were glad to see us sitting in the driveway. Jay was talking by this point, but clinging to me and refused to let them listen to his chest. We decided to move him to the ambulance and go ahead and take him in that way since he was wheezing. The officer told me to get a dry shirt before we left--Jane had brought one. I kept telling him I didn't need one, but he was insisting. I have no idea why I was putting up a fuss about it.

When we got in the ambulance, I had to call W. I was a mess. He answered his phone and I told him, "Jay is on his way to the hospital; he had an accident." He asked what happened and I told him, "He fell into the pool. We are in the ambulance, but he is okay." He was just up the street from us--Mike and Pam said he just turned around and ran out the door. They had to call his cell phone to find out what was going on.

By this point, we were well on our way to the hospital. It was then that I heard him referred to as a near drowning for the first time. My blood ran cold. He looked so precious sitting in the little jump seat in the ambulance with his mask strapped on trying to tell the paramedic something. As we were pulling up, the paramedic said he was sure glad to see it turn out like this. He said that when they get calls like ours, they are almost never good. Considering how long it took them to get there, I can understand that. Had I not done CPR, he would have died. Had he been in that water much longer, it would have been too late.

In the ER, things were a blur. W. arrived and I could barely look at him. Mike and Pam were there soon after. I was numb. I was thankful to have the dry shirt to change into because the ER was freezing and Pam said my back was soaking wet. The respiratory therapist on call was one we knew by name, so that was reassuring. She was great--all of the nurses were. They kept telling me how good he looked. He had to be taken for an MRI due to the bump on his head. I went with him and he did as well as could be expected. The nurse held him down and he screamed. My heart just bled. When were were leaving the MRI area, he kept telling me that "that man was mean." The nurse had short hair.

By the time he was admitted to a room, he was regular Jay. He was eating a popsicle and running around when the ped arrived. She made me feel like an incompetent fool--as if I didn't know he shouldn't be out by the pool alone. Naturally, I tried to explain everything and finally just shut up.

That night he slept. He was hooked to talimetry monitoring his heart, an IV for antibiotics, a pulse ox light, and in a tent. He really looked totally fine.

The next morning one of our regular peds came in and told us more about what we were up against. He said that in the next few hours, Jay would probably develop pneumonia. He said it was a great sign that none had showed up on the early x rays--if it had, it would indicate more serious damage. Helso a explained that when a child falls into water like Jay did, their muscles contract to stop the water from coming in which is why the Heimlich won't work and why his face was so taunt. It is a self preservation technique. He kept telling us that things could get worse before they got better and we would just have to take it an hour at a time. He was very careful not to give us any false hope or let us lose sight of how serious the situation was.

He was right. Pneumonia developed and the next two days, Jay was as sick as he as ever been. Listless, weak and pale. Then, the third day he was much better. They removed the monitors. On the fourth day, we were discharged with a ton of medicines and tremendous well wishes. The luckiest people we know.

It wasn't too much later that a child in Nashville who was Jay's age was found in his family's pool--unconscious. He was breathing on his own when he arrived at Vanderbilt by ambulance, but he died the next day of pneumonia and other complications. I was a basket case.

We never really talk about it anymore. Jay mentions getting sick when he went swimming one time. He has had so many hospital visits that this one doesn't really stand out in his mind, thank God. he has mentioned the ambulance trip a time or two. I just found the bathing suit he was wearing that day. I cannot bring myself to throw it out, but obviously no one will ever wear it again.

And now I have to move on. I have to quit having flashbacks and guilty moments. I need to appreciate the fact that he is three years old and vibrant, funny and loving. He is a truly magical child and he is my little miracle boy. I am blessed beyond belief. Had he died that day, I would never have recovered. Never. Someone, something, somewhere was looking out for me. No doubt about it.