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My dear friend Traci has given me a lovely topic for consideration. I was about to consider something banal such as freezer pops or teen fashion. Thankfully, she led me the right way.

Public Restrooms

Today, we will consider what I think of as bathroom etiquette. I don't think Emily Post ever addressed this because quite frankly, it should be common knowledge. Finger bowls and thank you notes can be confusing...using a public bathroom properly should not be. Like everything in our degenerating society, though, proper use of a public potty is becoming but a memory.

These are in no order of importance--just sort of chronologically arranged.

Rule 1 When using a public restroom (to be referred to as PR from here on out), do not cut line. How rude is that? How can you really think no one will notice you in a 12 by 12 room of women who are dying to pee. If you have an emergency, well, tell us. We will understand, but don't just jump into the first available stall on a whim. There is a sense of herarchy in a PR. Observe it with respect.

Rule 2 Knock before entering. Don't just barrel into what you assume is an empty stall or we'll both be embarrassed. Trust me on this one. A gentle tap or a tentative push is all it takes--especially if you enter what you think is an empty PR.

Rule 3 Share with one another. The is nothing worse than sitting there and realizing that you are out of paper. Hasn't everyone had this happen? There is just no pleasant way out of this one--sort of the great equalizer of women. I don't care if you are Julia Roberts, if you have to walk back out with pee in your drawers (or worse), you are not going to feel (or smell) your best in any social setting. It is therefore not only polite, but expected of you to share the paper when asked--even if it means throwing down a stall or two. If you are truly kind, you'll take to the unfortuante soul when you are through and hand it under the door so as to avoid paper/floor contact.

Rule 4 There is no dignified way to say this (guess that is why Emily avoided it), but it must be said. Please refrain from verbalizing about the elimination process. It is embarrassing and distressing for those around you to hear the assorted grunts, sighs, or expletives as you go. Toddlers up to age 3 are allowed a pass on this, after that, it is just gauche. The stalls are in no way soundproof--even those tile room places at McDonalds. every sound echos, so practice silence at home. Keep an air of mystery--no one else cares how hard you are working. And as a side note, there is no need to explain or call further attention to any noise that you can't control. We are all there for the same reason.

Rule 5 Keep the sight lines in mind. Yes, I know on TV they always show those horrible shots of legs and drawers under the door as PR shots, but we really don't need it. Note the length of the door and lower any clothing according to that level. Again, think mystery--we don't need to know what you're wearing under the clothes.

Rule 6 When you are done, imagine you are at home. Do you leave personal hygeine items lying about unwrapped, or do you dipsose of them properly? Do you leave TP all over the floor, or do you put it where it goes? Do you leave body fluids on the seat or do you have the decency to wipe it up? Do you flush or leave surprises for the erst of your family? (if you don't then you obviously don't have toddlers). I think we can all agree (especially Traci) that there is nothing worse than being in a hurry to pee and entering a PR stall only to find that someone didn't bother to check the john before they left. Use your brain--even if you flush, take that extra minute and check to make sure the flush was successful and complete. It isn't going to take that much time and people will thank you later.

Rule 7 Wash vigorously, but neatly. Is there really any need to soak the entire countertop? If you get soap and it drips all over the counter, take the time to wipe it up. I do not want to put my purse or my kid down in a puddle of that stinky liquid soap. If you have children with you, please remind them that they are not in a water park. If they can't reach, hold them up. Let them practice at home when you have to mop. Use the appropriate number of towels and put them in the trash--not just in the general area. If your hands are wet, use a shirt tail or something to open the door. I don't want to wonder what I grabbed when I follow you out.

Rule 8 This is for parents or others who take small children in to restrooms. If you can't control the kid in there, leave them outside. It is in in no way amusing to see someone else's kid's face peering under the door or through the crack in the door. Going to the bathroom requires a bit of concentration for some and hearing a tot slam all the doors and scream in the echo chamber is very distracting. Those hand blowers are not toys, either. Neither are the towel dispensers. We won't even discuss diaper changes here---that will come another day.

Please let me know if I have left out anyting important. That's what that comment link is for :-).