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What makes friends? Friendship is something that has been weighing very heavily on my mind lately. I don't have too many friends IRL for a number of reason. Time is a big factor, interests, work, etc. I am also not a very outgoing person in social situations and that makes it difficult to make new friends. I suppose that is the internet has been such a god send for me. You can be friends on your own time and in your jammies, looking like a schlump and no one cares. There is a downside of course--isn't there always. Verbal inflection and non verbal communications are a vital part of relationship building. I am so bad at meaning to sound sarcastic, yet coming off bitchy. I am sure I have done it many more times than I realize, which makes me sad. I am not a serious person by nature and when I am, it is not for public viewing. I have been burned in the past for opening up too much and I have seen others ripped to shreds. For me, it is easier to internalize things that are serious.

I have mentioned before that I don't think I would be my own friend. Lately, I have thought about that a lot and it upsets me to a degree. Evidently I have a lot more negative personality traits than even I realized--and I thought I had them all pretty well accounted for. Every time I turn around in all areas of my life, I am finding shortcomings. It is very frustrating and incredibly defeating. To think that 33 years have basically been wasted is not comforting. I find myself turning to those that I feel safe with, and lately I have been fighting the urge to run from the others. I despise drama, yet I seem to be drawn into it unwillingly. I suppose it is my natural instinct to speak my mind. I used to take pride in that--now I am not so sure. It causes me more harm than good and for what? I look at those who sit back and let it roll off and wonder if I could be happy doing that? God knows, I have never really tried it.

I told myself that this was my year to focus on me. It is almost half over and I am still a mess in many ways, but perhaps being able to step back and look at who I am is a good thing.